Category Archives: Uncategorized

Love&Hate

It amazes me that love can turn to hate in a matter of seconds. I must admit that I am guilty of this. But what causes this? I am doing some reading to try and better myself, but it seems like no matter how much progress I make, just one incident can totally wipe out all the progress that I have made. And when a couple just gets done making love, and sharing their love for one another, telling each other that they are the best, and I have never been with anybody like you, just a small argument can trigger so much hate that they say I hate you when just a few hours ago you were the best thing in the world to them. Human behavior is a mystery that I have not been able to figure out for many years. As we all know it is so complex.

After the hate is all said and done, and the person has had time to think about what they said, then a strong level of remorse comes over them. Then the couple makes up, they profess their love for one another, they make love to show how much they love one another until the next time there is a disagreement ,and the words I HATE YOU  are tossed around again. Then the cycle keeps repeating itself. This can put a great strain on a relationship and eventually they end up breaking up.

I am very fortunate that I can see my faults, and admit that I have a problem. This I believe is the first step to healing. Do not get me wrong, I am no professional, I am just sharing 24 years of experience. So what I say here is not set in stone.

It hurts that my wife and I have go through this battle. We just want to be happy together. That is why I am going to stop the vicious cycle, and do everything in my power to become a better husband. I WANT TO BE A BETTER HUSBAND!!! I suppose something like this just does not happen overnight, there will be relapses, but as long as I learn, and I am committed to changing, eventually I WILL HEAL AND BE HEALTHY.

I am also very fortunate to have a loving and caring wife. A wife that is willing to work on issues and have an open mind to change. We do not blame one another, because we know that we are both responsible for when we get into disagreements.

If your  spouse and you are having the same issues, I encourage the both of you to make a commitment to put aside your differences, and admit that the two of you have to change and make some compromises. This is not worth divorcing. And when you do set aside your differences, make it a point to do something nice for one another, to celebrate a new beginning.  This will go a long way into the healing process.

My hope for you is that you read something here that may help you in your journey. Thanks for reading and stay strong!!

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Pain=Death

I cannot handle all of the pain in my life. I cannot handle fighting my own demons. My pain is starting to get overwhelming, it is bringing me down.  Down a road that I have no clue where it goes. What will I find, what will be there at the end of the road?  Perhaps I don’t want to know the answer to this question. Nobody can understand where I am coming from. Like when I think about my death, I will embrace it, even though I am scared what is going to happen to me. I say that I will embrace it, because when your dead, you cannot feel, and when you cannot feel, there is no pain.End of story. I guess I need to work on how to deal with my pain, because I don’t think I will die anytime soon. I have been married for a week, and I do not think I could ask for a better wife. Sure we get into arguments, but she understands my faults, and supports me. But the arguments I hate, because most of the time it is my fault, because of all the insecurities I have. I hate myself for what I’ve become-Nine Inch Nails. I just want to feel good about myself. While I am still here on this planet, I might as well feel good right?  Even though a part of me does not want to feel anything.Who the fuck knows. It changes from one day to the next. But one thing is for sure, I need to stay strong for my wife. She counts on me being here, and the feeling is mutual. But I will end with a quote from Frederick Douglas, ” Without struggle, there is no progress”. Thanks for reading, and any feedback is welcomed. Remember to stay strong….

What is wrong with me?

I don’t know what is wrong with me? I just want inner peace, but I seem to fuck things up all the time. It never fails. I will not let myself be happy. I will not let go of my past hurts. If I fail in this, I will lose my sweet Clarissa. I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. So self defeating, so full of shit. I cannot believe I can call myself human. What is human anyway? I never grew up knowing what’s human, or allowed to be one. That ended the night that my innocence was taken from me. The night my father committed suicide, the night my Uncle Fred died, and the list goes on. I want to love, I want to care, I want to feel,I want to make love, I want to feel Clarissa’s skin against mine. I want to be healthy, and last, I want to be free. But can I achieve these things? Can I overcome all of the negative bullshit in my past? That’s the million dollar question. I have this last chance with my Princess, this last chance to prove I am a man, and not a child. This last chance to not hurt her. If I fuck this up, then what will become of me.Will I continue down my path of recovery, or will I keep punishing myself for the past? To many unanswered questions. But I still have one thing, HOPE. After all that I have been through, I still have hope. I am not a fool for having this. I am very thankful I still have hope. Not to many people would have hope, after all that has happened. But I leave with this, today at least, I will strive to become a better man, I will strive to be human….

Thanks again for reading, and stay strong!!!

Fustrated With Myself

I am so frustrated with myself. I am having problems sexually with my girlfriend Clarissa. I mean she isn’t the problem, I am the problem. Like for instance, tonight we set the mood, lit incense, gave each other massages, played Enya, and just lost ourselves in one another. When it came to sexual intercourse, I could only maintain an erection for like a minute or something. Since we have been together, I haven’t been able to reach orgasm while having intercourse. I never had this issue before, so I am wondering what the hell is going on. Grant it, I haven’t had sex in 5 1/2 years, so I am wondering if this is playing a part. I don’t know, but after tonight I totally lost it. I cried my eyes out, and could not stop. I mean there is nothing I want more than to reach an orgasm with her. She is the best woman I have ever been with, and I cannot share this part of me with her. I feel so awful for putting her through this. But we made an appointment to see a sex therapist, so I hope he has some answers. She is also being really supportive. In a way I feel like I do not deserve this.  I don’t know, but if I were to lose her to this, I don’t think I could live anymore. The pain and hurt would be to extreme for me. I could not live knowing I have lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I know this may seem odd posting about my sex life, but I thought if I blogged about it, I would feel a little better. And I do. Please Clarissa just know that I love you dearly, and you are the most beautiful person in my life. Thank you so much for the memories we have shared, and I cannot wait to make more memories. I love you Sweets.

Thanks again for reading, and stay strong….

Insecurities

Insecurity has been an issue since I was a child. To this day I still deal with many insecurities. You see, I did not grow up in a healthy family. It was very dysfunctional. I was never told I was a cute kid, good, I was never complimented on my achievements. So I had to rely on myself for my emotional health, and by the way I turned out, I fucked this up too. I am also sure that if I dig deep enough, I will learn also that my sexual abuse has a part to play in all of this.

I decided to blog about this today, because my girlfriend “Clarissa” and I had an argument this morning. It was my fault. We were just talking and she happened to mention one of her guy friends. Immediately I felt myself go rigid, and I became really quiet. Anger was just pulsing through my veins. So I got up and went into my bedroom. I put Nine Inch Nails on the stereo and blasted it as loud as I could. Pretty damn childish if you ask me. Well aftera round of NIN and Marilyn Manson I decided that I needed to go for a walk. So I told Clarissa I was leaving, and walked out the door. Halfway through my walk, I called her from my cell to apologize. I thought she was going to hang upon me, but she was accepting of my apology, then she said that we can talk about it when I got home. So I get home and ask her if we could talk on the back patio. I explained to her about my childhood, and how it really fucked me up. She was very understanding, more understanding than I thought she would be. I just let her know that when I get like this, to just let it go in one ear and out the other. We chatted for a few more minutes, kissed and told one another that we love each other, and that was that. I am very lucky to  have such a understanding girlfriend.

I say to those that are struggling with a low self esteem, and insecurities, to surround yourself with people that will boost your self esteem, instead of tearing it down. Also keep reminding yourself that you are a special person, and a beautiful person. It is a bitch at first, but the more that you do it, the more it will sink in. I obviously have not mastered it, but I am working on it. So I say good luck to you.

Thank you again for reading, and always stay strong…

I Can Be Loved…

For the past 14 or so years, I have been telling myself that I can never be loved again. Everyday I would wake up and tell myself what a piece of shit that I am, and that I do not deserve to be loved. I would ask myself who could love such a person?  A person as fucked up as I. There were woman that tried to love me, but I would either push them away, or run away. In a sense I did no t want to be loved. I hated the ideal of being loved. I was content just being alone.

 

All of this changed about a few months ago, when something happened to me. I was l laying in my bed one night, and I started feeling lonely. I started wishing that I had a warm body next to me. Someone to hold and make love to. Someone I could share many memories with. A warm sensation came over my body. It really felt good.  I  spoke to my friend “Amber” about this, and she said  that it was time for me to “put myself out there”.  At first I was terrified. I would have to leave my comfort zone. I would have to take risks, and take the chance of being hurt again. I must be crazy I kept telling myself. After all of these years, I was ready to take that first step again……

One day while on Facebook,I decided to go to Trent Reznor’s ( Mastermind of Nine Inch Nails) and post there. I posted that I was looking for some Nine Inch Nails fans to friend. Then I get this friend request from a woman named “Clarissa Jean”. When I saw her picture, I was immediately drawn to her. There was something about her I could not understand. She was so beautiful, yet I was drawn to something inside of her. So I added her to my friends list, and when I saw that she was online, we started chatting. I immediately asked if she could be my Facebook girlfriend. This threw her for a loop. It was actually kind of comical. She must have been thinking, who is this nut? Needless to say, she did not become my girlfriend that day, but we still chatted online. I remember one day I asked her for her phone number. I was surprised that she gave it to me. I called her up, and when I heard her voice, I was hooked. I don’t really know how to explain this, because I truly do not understand how this happened. But it felt good. Dangerous but good. We would chat on the phone whenever we could. We talked about everything. From religion, to love, to past hurts and I felt comfortable doing this. One day while speaking on the phone, I got annoyed with her. She was multi-tasking on the phone, and I thought that she was not paying attention to me. I became angry and told her that this was not going to work out. After we hung up, she unfriended  on Facebook, and I was left with a broken heart. I deleted her number from my phone, and that was that. Once again I was left bitter. So much for putting myself “out there”.

One day, while scrolling through my phone, I found Clarissa’s number. I thought that I had deleted all of her numbers on my phone. I was stunned for a sec. All these feelings came rushing back to me. I sat there for a moment, and thought about how things were left between Clarissa and I. How immature it was of me to get upset over something so trivial. I thought that I would call her and at least apologize for being so childish. I push the send button on my cell phone, and when she answered, I begged her not to hang up on me. I was surprised that she did not hang up on me. I apologized for being an idiot, she friended me on Facebook, and we picked up where we left off. But this time I wasn’t going to fuck it up.

While we spoke on the phone, I was constantly giving her compliments. Then I noticed something about her. She started calling me doll and babe. I asked myself what is happening here?  As Bob Marley would say” Is this Love that I’m feeling?”  It sure was. So last weekend I invited her to come down for the weekend. She drove 4 1/2 hours to meet me.  Right off the bat, we hit it off. We hugged, and I introduced her to my family, then I decided to take her to Saugatuck, MI. We walked around, had some ice cream, and talked. We left Saugatuck and I took her to Saugatuck State Dunes. The dunes has a path through the woods, leading to the beach. When we arrived at the beach it was deserted. We took off our shoes and put our feet in the lake. Then we sat down by the shore, as the waves crashed around us. I sat behind her and held her in my arms. We just sat there, silent, enjoying the closeness, and enjoying the lake. I turned her head around to face me, and we shared our first kiss. It was so passionate. I haven’t kissed a woman like this in 14 years. Of course  I kissed woman within this 14 years, but it never felt the way it did with Clarissa. With Clarissa it felt passionate and full of love. It was electricfying , and it sent tingles down my spine. When we got back to the house, we had dinner and chilled with my family. When it got to be late, we went upstairs. We lied on the bed and held one another in our arms. I will spare you the details, but it was the most magical night that I had ever had….. June 18,2011.

On Monday morning she was getting ready to leave for home, and we were both sad because we had to say goodbye. It was so difficult to let her go. I just wanted to be with her. I gave her a hug and a kiss, and said that we would see each other real soon. Little did we know it would be sooner than we thought. She drove away, and once again I was alone. I went upstairs, to the room that we stayed in that weekend, sat on the bed, closed my eyes, and relived that whole weekend. When I opened my eyes, there were tears in them.  I could not just let her ride off into the sunset, so I called her cell, and asked her to turn around. She asked me why, and I said that I was coming with her. We had spoke about this before, about me moving up to where she lived, but never said anything about it that weekend. Anyway, when I called her, she was already a good hour and a half from my house. When I told her that I wanted to come live with her, she was excited too, so she turned around. She got to the house, and we loaded  all of  my things in her car, and headed home.

I have only been here for two days now, but they have been the best two days of my life. I am so lucky to have found Clarissa, because she is the most beautiful and intelligent woman that I have ever been with. I am looking forward to making many wonderful memories with her, and loving her like she has never been loved before.

If you are reading this blog, and you feel hopeless that you will never meet anyone, I am here to tell you that it will happen, and that it is never to late. Thanks again for reading……..Stay strong.

And to my dearest Clarissa, thank you for coming into my life, and showing me that I can love and be loved. I love you with all my mind, body, and soul.

My Father….

I thought that I would write a short blog today about my Father(1955-1977), in memory of Fathers Day.

Today I went for a walk, and while I was walking I started thinking about my father, because Fathers Day is this weekend. Then I started crying my eyes out, and I could not stop. You see, my Father committed suicide in 1977. He hung himself from a tree at a park in Kileen, Texas(Ft. Hood).  His blood alcohol level was 3.0. I was thinking about  what pain and agony my father must  have been feeling that day. I never knew the reason why he decided to do this act of violence against himself. My Mother and I have never really discussed it. It is like a open wound that will not heal, and probably never will.  I just cannot stop thinking about what my Father must have been feeling.

It was very difficult growing up without a Father. My Mother had boyfriends, but they were just losers.  I never had a Father to play ball with, or take me  fishing, or talk about girls, or teach me how to shave, or go to concerts, or to attend my football games, band performances, theater performances, or just a Father to sit down with and shoot the breeze. There are many other things I missed out on, to much to post in this blog.  I will never know what it is like to have a Father. My Uncle Fred tried to fill the gap, but he ended up dying in a car accident in 1987.  I think in a way all of this has really traumatized me.  I don’t know. I just know it hurts not to have a Father. What else can I say? If you are reading this, and you never had a Father, then you can relate. There will always be this void, this emptiness inside of me that can never be filled. I am 37 now.  I am going through a lot in my life right now, and it sure would be nice to have a Father there to give me advice. FUCK!

 

I spent years being angry at my Father. I would call him a loser, coward, and anything else that sounded hurtful. How could he leave me? How could he leave my Mother, and my sisters? How could he leave my Mother to raise three children on her own? I wish that i had an answer to these questions. Some closure. I finally forgave my Father on April 19, 2011 for what he did. This is the anniversary of his death. Perhaps after forgiving him I will find some kind of healing. If there is ever healing after losing a Father in such a horrific way.

I miss you Father. I love you. I forgive you…..your son 😦

 

Thanks again for reading…stay strong!!!