I don’t know what is wrong with me? I just want inner peace, but I seem to fuck things up all the time. It never fails. I will not let myself be happy. I will not let go of my past hurts. If I fail in this, I will lose my sweet Clarissa. I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. So self defeating, so full of shit. I cannot believe I can call myself human. What is human anyway? I never grew up knowing what’s human, or allowed to be one. That ended the night that my innocence was taken from me. The night my father committed suicide, the night my Uncle Fred died, and the list goes on. I want to love, I want to care, I want to feel,I want to make love, I want to feel Clarissa’s skin against mine. I want to be healthy, and last, I want to be free. But can I achieve these things? Can I overcome all of the negative bullshit in my past? That’s the million dollar question. I have this last chance with my Princess, this last chance to prove I am a man, and not a child. This last chance to not hurt her. If I fuck this up, then what will become of me.Will I continue down my path of recovery, or will I keep punishing myself for the past? To many unanswered questions. But I still have one thing, HOPE. After all that I have been through, I still have hope. I am not a fool for having this. I am very thankful I still have hope. Not to many people would have hope, after all that has happened. But I leave with this, today at least, I will strive to become a better man, I will strive to be human….
Thanks again for reading, and stay strong!!!