Insecurities

Insecurity has been an issue since I was a child. To this day I still deal with many insecurities. You see, I did not grow up in a healthy family. It was very dysfunctional. I was never told I was a cute kid, good, I was never complimented on my achievements. So I had to rely on myself for my emotional health, and by the way I turned out, I fucked this up too. I am also sure that if I dig deep enough, I will learn also that my sexual abuse has a part to play in all of this.

I decided to blog about this today, because my girlfriend “Clarissa” and I had an argument this morning. It was my fault. We were just talking and she happened to mention one of her guy friends. Immediately I felt myself go rigid, and I became really quiet. Anger was just pulsing through my veins. So I got up and went into my bedroom. I put Nine Inch Nails on the stereo and blasted it as loud as I could. Pretty damn childish if you ask me. Well aftera round of NIN and Marilyn Manson I decided that I needed to go for a walk. So I told Clarissa I was leaving, and walked out the door. Halfway through my walk, I called her from my cell to apologize. I thought she was going to hang upon me, but she was accepting of my apology, then she said that we can talk about it when I got home. So I get home and ask her if we could talk on the back patio. I explained to her about my childhood, and how it really fucked me up. She was very understanding, more understanding than I thought she would be. I just let her know that when I get like this, to just let it go in one ear and out the other. We chatted for a few more minutes, kissed and told one another that we love each other, and that was that. I am very lucky to  have such a understanding girlfriend.

I say to those that are struggling with a low self esteem, and insecurities, to surround yourself with people that will boost your self esteem, instead of tearing it down. Also keep reminding yourself that you are a special person, and a beautiful person. It is a bitch at first, but the more that you do it, the more it will sink in. I obviously have not mastered it, but I am working on it. So I say good luck to you.

Thank you again for reading, and always stay strong…

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