For the past 14 or so years, I have been telling myself that I can never be loved again. Everyday I would wake up and tell myself what a piece of shit that I am, and that I do not deserve to be loved. I would ask myself who could love such a person? A person as fucked up as I. There were woman that tried to love me, but I would either push them away, or run away. In a sense I did no t want to be loved. I hated the ideal of being loved. I was content just being alone.
All of this changed about a few months ago, when something happened to me. I was l laying in my bed one night, and I started feeling lonely. I started wishing that I had a warm body next to me. Someone to hold and make love to. Someone I could share many memories with. A warm sensation came over my body. It really felt good. I spoke to my friend “Amber” about this, and she said that it was time for me to “put myself out there”. At first I was terrified. I would have to leave my comfort zone. I would have to take risks, and take the chance of being hurt again. I must be crazy I kept telling myself. After all of these years, I was ready to take that first step again……
One day while on Facebook,I decided to go to Trent Reznor’s ( Mastermind of Nine Inch Nails) and post there. I posted that I was looking for some Nine Inch Nails fans to friend. Then I get this friend request from a woman named “Clarissa Jean”. When I saw her picture, I was immediately drawn to her. There was something about her I could not understand. She was so beautiful, yet I was drawn to something inside of her. So I added her to my friends list, and when I saw that she was online, we started chatting. I immediately asked if she could be my Facebook girlfriend. This threw her for a loop. It was actually kind of comical. She must have been thinking, who is this nut? Needless to say, she did not become my girlfriend that day, but we still chatted online. I remember one day I asked her for her phone number. I was surprised that she gave it to me. I called her up, and when I heard her voice, I was hooked. I don’t really know how to explain this, because I truly do not understand how this happened. But it felt good. Dangerous but good. We would chat on the phone whenever we could. We talked about everything. From religion, to love, to past hurts and I felt comfortable doing this. One day while speaking on the phone, I got annoyed with her. She was multi-tasking on the phone, and I thought that she was not paying attention to me. I became angry and told her that this was not going to work out. After we hung up, she unfriended on Facebook, and I was left with a broken heart. I deleted her number from my phone, and that was that. Once again I was left bitter. So much for putting myself “out there”.
One day, while scrolling through my phone, I found Clarissa’s number. I thought that I had deleted all of her numbers on my phone. I was stunned for a sec. All these feelings came rushing back to me. I sat there for a moment, and thought about how things were left between Clarissa and I. How immature it was of me to get upset over something so trivial. I thought that I would call her and at least apologize for being so childish. I push the send button on my cell phone, and when she answered, I begged her not to hang up on me. I was surprised that she did not hang up on me. I apologized for being an idiot, she friended me on Facebook, and we picked up where we left off. But this time I wasn’t going to fuck it up.
While we spoke on the phone, I was constantly giving her compliments. Then I noticed something about her. She started calling me doll and babe. I asked myself what is happening here? As Bob Marley would say” Is this Love that I’m feeling?” It sure was. So last weekend I invited her to come down for the weekend. She drove 4 1/2 hours to meet me. Right off the bat, we hit it off. We hugged, and I introduced her to my family, then I decided to take her to Saugatuck, MI. We walked around, had some ice cream, and talked. We left Saugatuck and I took her to Saugatuck State Dunes. The dunes has a path through the woods, leading to the beach. When we arrived at the beach it was deserted. We took off our shoes and put our feet in the lake. Then we sat down by the shore, as the waves crashed around us. I sat behind her and held her in my arms. We just sat there, silent, enjoying the closeness, and enjoying the lake. I turned her head around to face me, and we shared our first kiss. It was so passionate. I haven’t kissed a woman like this in 14 years. Of course I kissed woman within this 14 years, but it never felt the way it did with Clarissa. With Clarissa it felt passionate and full of love. It was electricfying , and it sent tingles down my spine. When we got back to the house, we had dinner and chilled with my family. When it got to be late, we went upstairs. We lied on the bed and held one another in our arms. I will spare you the details, but it was the most magical night that I had ever had….. June 18,2011.
On Monday morning she was getting ready to leave for home, and we were both sad because we had to say goodbye. It was so difficult to let her go. I just wanted to be with her. I gave her a hug and a kiss, and said that we would see each other real soon. Little did we know it would be sooner than we thought. She drove away, and once again I was alone. I went upstairs, to the room that we stayed in that weekend, sat on the bed, closed my eyes, and relived that whole weekend. When I opened my eyes, there were tears in them. I could not just let her ride off into the sunset, so I called her cell, and asked her to turn around. She asked me why, and I said that I was coming with her. We had spoke about this before, about me moving up to where she lived, but never said anything about it that weekend. Anyway, when I called her, she was already a good hour and a half from my house. When I told her that I wanted to come live with her, she was excited too, so she turned around. She got to the house, and we loaded all of my things in her car, and headed home.
I have only been here for two days now, but they have been the best two days of my life. I am so lucky to have found Clarissa, because she is the most beautiful and intelligent woman that I have ever been with. I am looking forward to making many wonderful memories with her, and loving her like she has never been loved before.
If you are reading this blog, and you feel hopeless that you will never meet anyone, I am here to tell you that it will happen, and that it is never to late. Thanks again for reading……..Stay strong.
And to my dearest Clarissa, thank you for coming into my life, and showing me that I can love and be loved. I love you with all my mind, body, and soul.