I thought that I would write a short blog today about my Father(1955-1977), in memory of Fathers Day.
Today I went for a walk, and while I was walking I started thinking about my father, because Fathers Day is this weekend. Then I started crying my eyes out, and I could not stop. You see, my Father committed suicide in 1977. He hung himself from a tree at a park in Kileen, Texas(Ft. Hood). His blood alcohol level was 3.0. I was thinking about what pain and agony my father must have been feeling that day. I never knew the reason why he decided to do this act of violence against himself. My Mother and I have never really discussed it. It is like a open wound that will not heal, and probably never will. I just cannot stop thinking about what my Father must have been feeling.
It was very difficult growing up without a Father. My Mother had boyfriends, but they were just losers. I never had a Father to play ball with, or take me fishing, or talk about girls, or teach me how to shave, or go to concerts, or to attend my football games, band performances, theater performances, or just a Father to sit down with and shoot the breeze. There are many other things I missed out on, to much to post in this blog. I will never know what it is like to have a Father. My Uncle Fred tried to fill the gap, but he ended up dying in a car accident in 1987. I think in a way all of this has really traumatized me. I don’t know. I just know it hurts not to have a Father. What else can I say? If you are reading this, and you never had a Father, then you can relate. There will always be this void, this emptiness inside of me that can never be filled. I am 37 now. I am going through a lot in my life right now, and it sure would be nice to have a Father there to give me advice. FUCK!
I spent years being angry at my Father. I would call him a loser, coward, and anything else that sounded hurtful. How could he leave me? How could he leave my Mother, and my sisters? How could he leave my Mother to raise three children on her own? I wish that i had an answer to these questions. Some closure. I finally forgave my Father on April 19, 2011 for what he did. This is the anniversary of his death. Perhaps after forgiving him I will find some kind of healing. If there is ever healing after losing a Father in such a horrific way.
I miss you Father. I love you. I forgive you…..your son 😦
Thanks again for reading…stay strong!!!