To this day I still feel shameful for what happened to me as a child. The sexual abuse that is. I feel like I should of done something. Yelled, screamed, anything besides being silent. I let that man put his hands on me, and did not do a damn thing. I let him use me as his own personal sex toy. That’s what I was…a sex toy. Perhaps to this day I am still his sex toy, in a mental sense. When that bastard jerks off, he probably conjures up images of me when I was a child. Sex toy. For a very long time in my life I was a sex toy. To my abuser, and to anybody that would sleep with me. But I didn’t care at the time, it was sex. I would go from one partner to another, trying to find myself. I thought that all of these people I was sleeping with, actually cared about me, but the only thing they cared about was what was between my legs. When I tried to get close to these sex partners, they would leave me. All they wanted was sex,not any strings attached. But I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held and be told I am special. All they wanted was a few orgasms, and that was that.
I feel shameful for these things. I was a male slut. I was degrading myself by sleeping with people that didn’t give a shit about me. My self-esteem was so low. I actually felt this was my destiny, to be a sex toy. That that was all I was good for…nothing else. Let’s get something straight though. I don’t blame my sex partners for their needs, I had a choice too, you know? I had a choice to sleep with these people, or not sleep with people. Life is about choices. And the choices we make, determines how our lives will shape up. And the choices I have made, really fucked me up. I can sit here and write that I blame these choices on my abuse, but that’s just escaping responsibility. I blame myself. I have a choice to heal or stay in this hell I have built for myself. Sometimes I like this hell though. I am allowed to hate(which I still do) and not be judged for it. I hate love, I love hate, this is my motto. It feels safe for me. Can I still hate, and heal from the abuse? I don’t know. But I just want to have a “normal” relationship with a woman. To make love to a woman, and it actually means something. Who knows? Perhaps I am just blabbering.
The shame and guilt that consumes me at times, gets to a point of panic and anxiety. I have done so many terrible things. I cannot forgive myself for this. I beat myself up day after worthless day. Why have I done so many terrible things I ask myself? Why have I hurt so many people? I don’t have an answer to this.
Well thank you again for reading my blog. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read and think about what was written. Take care and stay strong.