Death, Death, Death, it is always on my mind. During the day, during the night, it is haunting me. I have been afraid of death since I was a kid. I would constantly think about it. Ever since I attended church, and started learning about heaven and hell, I started thinking about death, and what will happen to me when I die. Is there really a heaven and hell? Or is this it, this life. I guess not knowing what is going to happen when I die, has kept me from committing suicide. Not that this is the ONLY reason from committing suicide. I have my family and friends to think about too. But if I did know what was going to happen to me when I die, it would probably make the decision much simpler. Good thing I don’t know eh?
I recall one time I was at youth group, I had to be about 9 or so, the youth pastor was talking to me about sin and hell. I started to cry because all I could think about was my mom. Was she going to hell? Being a kid this was a scary thought for me. I did not want my mom going to hell. With fire and brimstone,burning for eternity. This was a huge turning point in my life. The “pastor” calmed me down, but the seed had been planted. I started thinking of my own life, and what I could do to avoid burning in hell for eternity. Fear kept me in church. I would read and study my bible, repent my sins, anything I could do to avoid hell. Ask god constantly to forgive me. I was scared shitless. I believed every single word in the bible, and took it literally. But the older I got, and the more I started experimenting with other religions, I stopped believing in god. I thought god was suppose to be a god of love, and compassion. But why would god instill fear into his followers? Does this make any sense? I thought that when somebody loves someone, it means that there should be no fear. Am I right? Or am I just talking nonsense? Also, why would a god of love allow sexual abuse in my life, Oh there is free will, that’s what christians say, but I don’t understand this. So I no longer want to be a part of a god like this.
I still think about death on a regularly basis. Still afraid what is going to happen to me. In a way I feel like I have died in the inside already, just waiting for the physical body to die. Then I shall find out what will truly happen.
Thanks for reading….. stay strong!!