Welcome to hell. I don’t mean this literally of course. Seeing how I do not really believe in hell. I mean this in a sense of mental state. I decided to start blogging because I feel I have a story to tell. Not a novel, just a story about my life and what I have been through. My intention is that by reading my blogs you’ll find a sense of kinship and understanding. To know that you are not alone, and that somebody cares for you. My blogs will range from sadness, to rage, to happiness, and many forms of emotions. But I must caution you, there will be reference to sexual abuse, so if you get triggered easily I would take it slow.
Well there is always a starting place, and this is my starting place. I was born In Holland Michigan on April 24, 1974. My father was in the Army, and my mother was a stay at home mom. After I was born we moved down to Fort Hood Texas. My two sisters were born during our time there. But on April 19, 1977, my father committed suicide. He accomplished this act by hanging himself in a park. At the time of his death he had a blood alcohol level 3.0. I never knew my father, and to this day I have mixed emotions about him. Sometimes cowardice. Growing up my family and I never talked about it. Of course I would ask questions from time to time, but we never really spoke of it. So after this tragedy our family moved back to Holland Michigan.
At the age of 5 my innocence was taken from me. At that time my mother’s cousin , which would make him my second cousin, was living with us. His name is Gerry and he was twenty-two years old when he started abusing me. I was laying in my bed upstairs. Gerry was in the bed with me. It was dark in my room. Then he started touching me all over my body. I was so confused. Why was this guy, a guy I looked up to, touching me? He pulled my jammies down and started giving me oral sex. At this point I wanted to scream, run away. I closed my eyes to try and concentrate on something else, but it didn’t work. I am not to sure how long this continued. After he was finished, he took out his penis and started rubbing it in front of me. By this time I just gave up. He was hard, then he forced his penis in my mouth. He rubbed it all over my face and mouth. This continued for some time. Then when he was about to orgasm, he pulled it out of my mouth and ejaculated all over my face. The only thing he said during this whole time was “don’t tell your mom”. This went on for about six months to a year. That’s all I have to say about this for now.
I am going to skip over some things, but I will come back to them in later blogs. At the age 0f 13 I was diagnosed with bi-polar. I was put on meds and started therapy. I was known as a cutter. I used to cut my arms up. To this day I still have scars. All through high school I was in and out of psych hospitals. I did not want to live. I had so much guilt, anger, hate, shame, from what Gerry did to me. I hated myself and to this day I still do.
I am going to end this for now. I hope that after reading this you will realize you are not alone. Keep checking back for more of my life, and other things. Thanks for reading and stay strong.